My Sibling I Never Acknowledged, by Stephanie Gray

mary and me.jpg

For as long as I can remember, when I met people who would ask, “How many siblings do you have?” my answer was always “one.”  But I recently had an epiphany: That answer isn’t true.

I don’t have just one sibling; I have two.  So why wasn’t my eldest sibling in the count? 

I never met Paul Francis.  He lived—and died—before I ever came to be.  Why should my sister be acknowledged because she has lived 40 years (and counting), but my brother not because he lived only 6 weeks?

  That I never had the chance to play Hide & Seek with him doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be acknowledged. 

That I never rode my bike to piano lessons with him doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be remembered. 

That he never got to experience family trips to Scotland and Nova Scotia, road trip adventures, and lots of singing and silliness, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be counted.

I don’t know why Paul Francis died, but I do know how he died (miscarriage), and more importantly, I know that he lived (albeit briefly).  So why do the early miscarried get swept aside?  “It’s common to miscarry, especially your first child,” people will say.  So what?  Why should the fact that the loss is common make us act as though the individual never existed?

  “It hurts to bring it up,” others might suggest.  That reminds me of a Facebook post by a friend of mine whose child died several days after birth.  She shared this quote by Elizabeth Edwards: “If you know someone who has lost a child, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died—you’re not reminding them. They didn’t forget they died. What you’re reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and…that is a great gift.”

  Paul Francis lived, and he deserves to have that acknowledged.  If mere mention of a miscarried child’s short life brings indescribable pain and one runs from referencing him or her as a result, burying the reminders not only doesn’t serve those little lives, but it doesn’t serve the grieving heart, whose incapacity to acknowledge is evidence of a need for healing.  And we don’t find healing by stuffing—we find healing by releasing, wrestling, grappling, and honoring. 

  Those who have lost a child to stillbirth or to miscarriage late in pregnancy often—and rightly—memorialize their children with hand and footprints, even photos.  But such tangible memories can’t be made with children like Paul Francis, who die as young as 6 weeks post-fertilization; so what can be done?

  One website about miscarriage shared this quote from a grieving heart:  “The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.”

  My sibling can have a name.  My parents never knew if Paul Francis was a boy or girl, but if they’d had a son, that would have been his name.  Incidentally, Paul means “small; humble” and Francis means “free.”

  My sibling can be continually referenced in my life.  Now, when asked how many siblings I have, my response is matter-of-fact: “two.”  And I leave it at that.  If asked, “Brothers or sisters?” and “Are you the oldest?”  I casually reply, “My brother is the oldest, and he’s in Heaven; then there’s my sister, then me.” Sometimes there are no further questions.  Other times, there are, and I treat the conversation about the life, and loss, of Paul Francis before birth, as I would if any other sibling of mine lived and died after birth.

  My sibling can touch lives.  As someone who spends her life advocating for the rights of pre-born humans, I realized my lack of reference to Paul Francis was a betrayal of my beliefs—for if the pre-born are as valuable as the born, if I would reference a sibling who only lived until the age of 2, 10, or even 20 years, why not acknowledge this sibling?  Do I really believe Paul Francis was just as human, just as precious, just as unrepeatable as a late-term fetus, infant, toddler, or teen?  Would I hide the death of an older sibling?  Then why hide the death of a younger sibling?

By referencing my deceased sibling, some people inevitably ask what happened, and when you explain miscarriage, that individual is challenged to look at miscarriage in a different light—to look at it as a great loss, as losing a born child is a great loss.  As a result, my deceased pre-born sibling becomes the impetus for a discussion about how we view the pre-born, and an opportunity to normalize treating the pre-born like the born.  By not dismissing his death as “oh, well, it was just a miscarriage” but treating it seriously, my example invites others to share their stories of loss, revealing even their own miscarriages.  At which point I can ask questions to further healing such as, “Have you named your children?  Have you thought about planting a plant in memory of your children to have an object of life to remember them by?”  When we do this, we often validate the feelings many women and men have silently felt, but never viewed as legitimate.

  In response to this new approach of my sibling count, a friend responded, “If I were to do that, when people ask how many siblings I have, I’d have to say 17 because my mom had 7 miscarriages.”

  Well what an opportunity!  You can be guaranteed my friend will get some kind of reaction to an answer of “17,” and it will open doors to talk about how we view the pre-born and how we work through the heartbreak of losing children.  It will also acknowledge each and every one of her siblings as valuable enough to warrant attention.

  Had Paul Francis not died, he’d be celebrating his 41st birthday right about now.   And as I think about it, I’m a lifetime overdue on writing him a poem (something I like to do for loved ones) to honor his life:

I do not know what it is like,

To live with an older brother.

But one thing that I do know,

Is that you made our mom a mother.


You were first to grow in her womb,

And in that way we’re connected.

We both spent time beneath her heart,

And with love we were infected.


Would you have written poems like Dad?

Or, like mom, sing me to sleep?

Maybe like our sister you’d have been a peacemaker,

Or an avid reader of all things deep?


I tell others about you now;

I didn’t do that before.

I pledge to remember your existence.

Telling of you opens a door.


Why, Paul Francis, was your life so short?

Do you have the answer now?
For us we stay in mystery,

Trusting God, to whom we bow.

A similar version of this blog first appeared at


Should Abuse of the Born be Motivation to Abort the Pre-Born? by Stephanie Gray


After a recent presentation I delivered on abortion, an audience member approached me.  She told me she worked in a daycare where many of her charges come from profoundly broken homes.  She told me nightmare stories, horrifying cases of abuse these children had endured—and were enduring (which she then reported, the authorities would step in, and in some cases after removing children for a time, the little ones would be returned to the dangerous environment with the mistaken belief the kids would be safe, only to find abuse happen again).

I was sickened by what she shared, that such precious, innocent, and vulnerable children could be so horrifically mistreated and that they would be failed by a system that was supposed to help them.

Here was the woman’s point to me: Her first-hand experience convicted her that abortion would be better than what these kids go through, and the trauma they will carry with them for life. 

There is no denying that the brutal realities she observed would impact her feelings.  There is no denying that anyone with a functioning conscience would want to spare children suffering.  There is no denying that when someone is aware of their victimization there is an additional element of horror than when someone is unaware (e.g., being killed in your sleep versus tortured to death while awake).  Here is a question: Is it possible to agree with all that and still not see abortion as a solution to what undoubtedly is a grave problem?

Consider the children this woman cares for: Would we ever say it would be acceptable to kill them now because of their abuse?  To kill them now in order to spare them further abuse?  To kill them now in order to prevent a future filled with memories of past abuse?  Obviously the answer is no—it would not be acceptable to use homicide as a solution to abuse.  In fact, isn’t homicide just another form of abuse? Killing the victim would not be justice for the victim.  It would only further the evil mentality of the abuser that an individual’s life should be mistreated.

Moreover, what if a born child had not yet been abused but we somehow could see into the future that the individual would be abused in, say, 5 years.  Would it be acceptable to kill that child in order to avoid that which had not yet happened?

  Again, the obvious answer is no.

  Correspondingly, since the pre-born child is a living, human being, it would be unethical to kill that individual because of abuse she may experience down the road.  Instead we ought to work to ensure children are born into, or placed in, environments in which they and their parents or guardians thrive in a relationship of love. 

  Critics may respond that that sounds great in theory but it is not the reality for some, like the children in the woman’s daycare.  Correct.  So we need to respond.  We just don’t have to respond with abortion.  What can a non-abortion response look like?

·         It can look like my friends who fostered children.

·         It can look like my friends who adopted 3 little girls from China who had severe cleft palates which required multiple surgeries.

·         It can look like my friends who adopted a set of siblings from the foster care system in their own country.

·         It can look like a couple I met in my travels who adopted two children when their first biological child was only one.  They since adopted two more children, both of whom have Down syndrome and serious heart conditions, all the while giving birth to 4 more children.

·         It can look like an unmarried 28-year-old I met on a recent trip to the US: In the last 4 years she has fostered over 21 children and adopted 2 of them.

·         It can look like a retired couple I met who moved from their farm into a home for pregnant women in order to mentor them in motherhood.

·         It can look like a pastor I recently met who is in his mid-50s.  He and his wife have raised their own biological children and are now fostering—which is leading to adoption—3 young children.

·         It can look like foster father Mohamed Bzeek who takes in terminally ill children.

·         It can look like a mega Church in Texas whose pastor told me he is implementing a program where his church members make it their mission to foster and/or adopt local orphans.

·         It can look like Love Life Charlotte, a beautiful pro-life ministry I learned about in January that is also on a mission to embolden its church members to care for orphans through what they term “Orphan Care Hospitality.”  Whether through fostering or adoption, learn more about what they are doing here and watch this short video about the Malone’s who have welcomed two children into their forever home through this amazing program.

·         It can look like the Lott family who adopted 4 of their 6 children.

·         It can look like my friend Ryan Bomberger’s adopted family.  His mom, once an orphan herself, made a promise to God when she was a young girl that she would be a mommy to those without one.  She grew up, got married, and adopted 10 of their 13 children (Ryan, one of the adopted children, was conceived in rape.   Having now grown up, he has since adopted two children.

Is the abuse of children—pre-born or born—an unspeakable evil?  Yes.  Does it demand a response?  Without a shadow of a doubt.  Can children be rescued and aided without abortion?  The lived experiences of the examples above are living proof of that.

**The photo in this blog is of police officer Ryan Holets and some of his family.  While on duty, Holets encountered an 8-month pregnant heroin addict.  That woman is the very type of individual many would say should have an abortion rather than bring her child into a dangerous environment.  Officer Holets and his wife adopted that little baby, who they named Hope.  Read the incredible story here. And, as described in this article, it says “Holets has been quietly helping Champ [the birth mother] and her partner find the right rehabilitation center and gave them a tablet computer so they can receive photos of Hope over email.  To Holets’s knowledge, the pair, who have not responded to a Post interview request made through Holets, are not clean. It was always his goal from the beginning to help them through rehab.”


The Secondary Emotion of Anger, by Stephanie Gray

Two unrelated experiences reinforce what a friend of mine in social work told me: Anger is a secondary emotion.


      Over the holidays I watched an incredibly powerful and moving foreign film, “A Man Called Ove.”   Without spoiling key parts, the overall story is this: An old man is angry, isolated, and believes his life is not worth living.  As the film progresses the viewer begins to understand why Ove is as he is.  The unfolding backstory reveals what is under the surface.  This allows one to see Ove with new eyes—to see his goodness and his pain and therefore to empathize with him.  It also allows one to see what we all need for human flourishing—connection. 

  At one of my presentations on abortion an audience member spoke with me afterwards.  She shared that she was in favor of abortion, particularly in the case of rape.  I had addressed the point already in my talk.    I also shared with her the story of my friend Lianna who got pregnant from rape at age 12 and who kept her child.  She was unconvinced and unfortunately our conversation was interrupted. 

  I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that my message was impenetrable to her heart because of some deep pain.  I was very concerned that she had been raped and/or had an abortion.  She didn’t disclose either to me, but a lifetime of interacting with people and intuition was telling me something bigger was below the surface.  Because I knew she was part of a larger group I approached one of her team leaders with my concern.  The team leader remarked that that young woman had been behaving in a difficult and defiant way.  “That type of behavior is a secondary emotion,” I responded. “Something is triggering her, and I’m concerned it’s a huge trauma.  I really think she was raped or had an abortion.”  We then identified another team leader who had gone through a trauma of her own and approached her with our concern, asking her to find an opportunity to connect with the young woman.  We prayed and it became a waiting game for the opportune moment.

  Sure enough an encounter between the two women happened and sadly the audience member revealed that she had been sexually assaulted, but she expressed how meaningful it was to have someone listen to her and share in her pain.  It became the start of a journey to healing.  Like Ove, her attitude and behavior were a cover for a deep emotional wound.  Like Ove, connection with another soul is what would free her from isolation and give her spirit new life.

  Whether discussing abortion—or any issue in which people respond with anger or an illogical unreasonableness—our approach should not be to dig in our heals and write the person off as stupid or not worth our time, but rather to go gently and seek to understand the root of the person’s passion.  It is worth remembering that of all the words used to describe love in the famous passage of 1 Corinthians 13, the first two are “patient” and “kind.” 

  When you’re next in conversation with someone and if you find yourself struggling to be patient or kind, it can be helpful to step back and say the “Prayer of St. Francis,” which, in the middle, goes, “O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be understood as to understand.”

  It is truly eye-opening what seeking to understand can lead to.


Why Roe is Against Reason, by Stephanie Gray


Have you ever been asked a question where the answer changed your life?  An audience member once told me about a time she applied to work at a chastity missionary organization in America.  During the interview she was asked, “If we don’t accept you for this position, what else would you do?”  Without skipping a beat she answered, “I’d go to Africa and work with the poor.”  Later that day she couldn’t get that question—and her answer—out of her mind.  She realized what her true heart’s desire was, she withdrew her application, and went to Africa to serve the poor.  Just as how answering one question led this young woman down a path very different from her original plan, I believe applying the power of questions to the abortion debate can help those who answer realize that Roe v. Wade, far from being a good legal decision, is actually against reason.

Here are questions we can ask:

1.      From what point are we measuring viability?

When discussing Roe v. Wade, people often talk about viability, some arguing that abortion is acceptable if the child cannot survive outside the womb.  It is generally considered that a pre-born child is viable around 24 weeks.  But consider the label 24 weeks—and what that implies: To get to 24 weeks implies we started counting the passage of time 24 weeks prior.  So what happened then?  Sperm-egg fusion, otherwise known as fertilization.  Since we are counting time from there, that is actually a concession that life does not begin at 24 weeks but rather 24 weeks prior.

2.      If abortion is allowed for a woman’s life after viability, why not bring the child out alive rather than dead?

Abortion supporters will often point out that abortion after viability sometimes “needs” to happen because a pregnant woman will die without an abortion.  Since, at such later stages of pregnancy, the child could survive outside the womb, why kill the child?  Why not remove the living child and place him or her in an incubator? 

3.      Does a negative pregnancy test result ever lead to an abortion?

We know the answer is “obviously not.” So what is it that a positive test is telling a woman?  It is indicating that the pregnant woman’s body is not the only body present; rather, that there is another individual present.  And just who is that individual?  A child.  And not just any child.  Her child.  So a related question we must ask is this: What do civil societies expect of parents?  Don’t we expect parents to care for their offspring, not kill their offspring?

4.      If abortion is about a woman’s right to her own body, when does the right begin?

Several years ago, The Economist magazine had a cover story about 100 million women missing from the world as a result of sex-selective abortion and infanticide.  Isn’t it interesting that abortion is often touted as being pro-female and yet so many females are being destroyed in the womb precisely because their sex chromosomes are xx?  Don’t pre-born females have a right to their bodies?

5.      What is the legal standard when a woman sentenced to death is pregnant?

Every American state in which the death penalty is legal prohibits the execution of pregnant women.    Moreover, the United Nations’ International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights states, “Sentence of death shall not …be carried out on pregnant women.”  People sometimes debate whether guilty individuals should get the death penalty, but people always agree that innocent individuals should not get the death penalty. To withhold capital punishment from a guilty woman for the sole reason that she is pregnant is to make a concession that within her body is an innocent child.

6.      What do abortion procedures and promoters tell us about abortion?

In the National Abortion Federation’s textbook on abortion (“A Clinician’s Guide to Medical and Surgical Abortion”) in chapter 10 (co-authored by abortionist Martin Haskell) it refers to “Fetocidal Techniques.”  What is the meaning of the root word “cide”?  It means to kill.  We do not kill that which is not living.  So to speak of killing the fetus is yet another admission about the pre-born child: Namely, that she is living.

That chapter on D & E abortions after 12 weeks also refers to “some pregnancy elements” such as “the spinal cord and calvarium.”  Spinal cord and calvarium of who?  Clearly not the pregnant woman.  Those are the body parts of the child.  If we acknowledge these major parts of the child, all the more shouldn’t we acknowledge the child to whom they belong?

Next, while Planned Parenthood is known for committing abortions, interestingly even they, several decades ago, made a startling admission:  In a 1952 brochure of theirs on birth control they answered the question, “Is [birth control] abortion?” by saying, “Definitely not…An abortion… kills the life of a baby after it has begun.”

7.      What became of Roe in Roe v. Wade?

Most people are unaware that the very woman, Norma McCorvey, who is represented as the Roe in Roe v. Wade, never had the abortion that brought her case to the Supreme Court to begin with.  Moreover, she later became pro-life and wanted the decision reversed. 

8.      What is the greatest love—and its opposite?

These are questions asked over at abort73.   From a Christian perspective, the greatest love is seen in the person of Jesus Christ: “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13) and “This is my body given for you” (Luke 22:19).  Even the non-religious accept this standard; citing, for example, the firefighters who ran into the burning buildings on 9-11.  Their actions were also an example of the greatest love.  If the greatest love says, “This is my body given for you” then the opposite of the greatest love says, “This is your body given for me.”  Whereas motherhood selflessly declares, “This is my body given for you,” its opposite, reflected in abortion, selfishly demands, “This is your body given for me.”


How to Communicate with a Friend Considering Abortion, by Stephanie Gray


“I’m pregnant, and I want an abortion.”

  How should one react when a friend says those words? 

  I am routinely (and as recently as the day I write this) contacted by friends (and strangers) who have friends who are considering abortion.  “What should I do?” they ask. “What should I say?” they wonder.

  Their concern is the well-being of their friend and her pre-born child; they don’t want her to go ahead with the abortion, but they come for advice because they recognize a noble desire, while necessary, is not sufficient to save a life.  How do they actually achieve their mind-changing goal?  They follow these four steps:

  1. Seek to Understand

  2. Support Her

  3. Inform Her

  4. Be Unwavering

  Let’s look at each in more detail, with practical tools to get the message out:

1.     Seek to Understand

  Think through your past to a time when you felt utterly overwhelmed and afraid.  Think about an experience of despair where you felt helpless.  Think about what it’s like to feel panic—to feel trapped—and how that affects your decisions.

  A woman facing an unplanned pregnancy may feel any number of emotions like the above, and anything you say or do is seen through the lens of what she’s feeling.  Rather than start your exchange by jumping onto a soap box, instead, grab a Kleenex box and ask questions that give her a chance to express herself.

  Truly and deeply listen to her—what are her concerns?  People not only need to be heard, they need to feel heard.  This is achieved through affirming truth she’s expressed, and communicating compassion: 

 ·         “There is no denying that is a really difficult situation…” or,

 ·         “That is really tough; I’m sorry for your suffering…” or,

 ·         “If I’m hearing you correctly it sounds like the crisis is overwhelming, and I can imagine it would be…” 

  Notice what you’re not doing here—you’re not saying something false (“I know what it’s like” when you, in fact, don’t know what it’s like); rather, you’re formulating words that acknowledge you understand her feelings are consistent with her crisis.

  From this expression of compassion, you seek to understand by asking questions that will give her a chance to express herself, and to help identify what she’s most concerned about (which you need to know in order to address the problem—you cannot alleviate a problem you do not know exists).

  For example, ask her, “Why do you want an abortion?”

  Her response will likely involve expressing concerns about money, school, lack of support from her partner or family, feelings of inadequacy, or perhaps even pressure to abort.

  What does this show?  She does not desire abortion as an end in and of itself; rather, she sees it as a means to address a problem. Once she identifies the problem, suggest other means to address it, always through the approach of asking questions:

·         “I’m sad for you that your parents said they’d kick you out.  You’re right to be devastated by that.  What if I was to let you live with me? Would that help? [Or, what if I was to connect you to a place where you could live?]”

·         “If I’m hearing you right, it sounds like you don’t have the resources to care for a child.  What if I was to connect you to a centre that will give you the resources you need?”

RESOURCE: An excellent pregnancy help website:

 ·         “It sounds like you don’t feel prepared to parent a child right now, and I can understand that.  What do you think about adoption?”


·         “When a person receives a poor prenatal diagnosis, it can be scary to envision a future where the child has a disability.  Have you heard of stories of people who have had positive experiences caring for children with special needs? May I share some of these with you?”


“Choosing Thomas”:

Questioning is not only important to identify her motivations to abort so you can provide alternatives, but questioning is an important tool to help her explore her “gut” feelings about abortion.  Questions that help her think beyond the present scenario, to imagine a positive situation in the future when she’s pregnant, can help bring to light her own negative feelings about the abortion procedure:

·         “Given that you just said you don’t even love the child’s father, I can understand it would be hard to envision parenting the baby.  Something that’s worth considering is if your scenario was just the opposite—if you were happily married and pregnant with a child you’d tried for so long to be pregnant with, would you ever consider abortion?  [After her answer: Why not?]”

·         “If your parents wouldn’t kick you out of the house, would you be less likely to consider abortion? Why?”

·         “If you had the financial resources you needed to raise another (or this) child, would you want to carry through with the pregnancy? Why do you think that is?”

NOTE: The point of these questions is to draw out of her any instinctive feelings of revulsion toward abortion—if she articulates that she would never kill her child in these scenarios, you can now explore her thoughts that it is a child, and whether the difficulty of her situation changes what the child is.

2.     Support Her

There’s something terrifying about being alone in moments of crisis.  There is something comforting about sharing, even a hard experience, with another soul.

  A true friend will stand by her throughout this unplanned pregnancy.  If she feels abandoned, then she may run to the abortion which she feels will get her “out” of this experience of crisis and “aloneness.”  Knowing she has someone to stand by her through the crisis will make it easier.

  Offer to be with her when she has difficult conversations with her relatives or boyfriend/husband.  Offer to go with her to the doctor.  Time is of the essence in these situations and so is generous, self-less help.  If you have to miss work or school to accompany her to a pro-life doctor the next morning, do it.  Offer to accompany her to a pregnancy help center.  As a friend, it’s important to remember you aren’t a professional.  Correspondingly, remember that professionals aren’t friends, and offering to be present when she gets assistance from them will make her feel more supported than simply giving her a phone number to call.

NOTE: When she gets professional assistance, ensure that the people you recommend for this are 100% pro-life.  Tragically, some individuals and groups that are labeled “Christian” don’t always hold a consistent pro-life ethic, and this requires you be extra vigilant in your recommendations.

  FURTHER NOTE: Get to know your local pro-life doctors and local pregnancy care center staff as soon as possible, before you meet someone in crisis.  The more information you can give to your friend about who works where, what they offer, and how friendly they are, the more likely it will be that she will call or visit.  And remember—offer to accompany her.

  Part of being a support is helping her see goodness in a future that she thinks looks grim.  Being on the outside, you have the chance to paint a picture of hope when she feels despair, to help her consider how short-term gain can bring about long-term pain, whereas short-term pain can bring about long-term gain.

  This message, handed out by pro-life activist Mary Wagner to women going to abortion clinics, speaks important words of hope to women in crisis:

“You were made to love and to be loved.  Your goodness is greater than the difficulties of your situation. Circumstances in life change.  A new life, however tiny, brings the promise of unrepeatable joy.  There is still hope!”

3.     Inform Her

It is possible to communicate truth without love, but it is impossible to communicate love without truth.  Loving your friend therefore means communicating the truth about the abortion she says she wants.

  Certainly how you communicate that truth matters.  You need to be sensitive and should continue to use questions as much as possible, but you nonetheless need to impart some hard truths.  When providing information, you should convey three things:

·         The humanity of her pre-born child,

·         The inhumane nature of abortion, and

·         How abortion can hurt her

Let’s look at each of these in more detail:

The humanity of her pre-born child

A lot of women are unaware of just how rapidly their pre-born children are growing (for example, that a baby’s heartbeat has been detected at 3 weeks, and brainwaves have been detected at 6 weeks).  Ask a question like this:

“May I take you to a site which has amazing scientific facts of your baby’s development?”

RESOURCE: The Endowment for Human Development:  This is a fetal-maternal health website with prenatal development facts, along with actual video footage and 3D and 4D ultrasound.

Helping her bond with her child is key; two other ways to do this is through giving her a fetal model to hold, which helps her visualize her baby, and encouraging her to give a nickname to her child, for it’s harder to kill someone we’ve named and connected with.

RESOURCE: First-trimester fetal model: Order at (or ask your local pro-life society to give you one) 

The inhumane nature of abortion

Remember, you’re having this conversation with your friend because she said she wants an abortion.  But does she know what abortion actually entails?  It is essential that you convey the facts of the procedure.  You can ask,

“What do you know of the abortion procedure?  I have some knowledge of abortion and I believe you deserve to know what I do. May I share some information with you?”


Nucleus Medical Media:

First-Trimester Medical Abortion:

First-Trimester Surgical Abortion:

Second-Trimester Surgical Abortion:

Third-Trimester Induction Abortion:

Abortion: Before & After:

  When trying to explain that your motivation to share what you know comes from a place of goodness, you could use this analogy:

“Imagine there’s water with poison in it—whoever drinks it will die. Now imagine you are thirsty and, not knowing the water is poisoned, you drink it.  Would you have knowingly committed suicide?”  She’ll say no.  Then continue, “Now imagine that I know there’s poison in the water and you don’t.  I see you grab the glass and I don’t warn you what’s in it.  You drink it and die.  Have I just been an accomplice to your murder?”  She’ll say yes.  Then connect the dots: “In the same way, I know some pretty shocking things about the abortion procedure, and if I don’t share these things, then I’d be guilty of withholding life-saving information.  That’s not fair to you.” 

Some people have an unfounded fear that using abortion victim imagery could do harm to a woman faced with an unplanned pregnancy. You don’t lose anything by showing her imagery. But you potentially lose something by not showing the pictures: her baby’s life.

Remember all the fears that are motivating your friend to abort? Those fears are very real in her mind; they are immediate problems. If she continues to maintain the idea that her pre-born child is not a baby and that abortion is not an act of violence that will kill that baby, then it will be easier for her to have the abortion than to deal with her problems. Your challenge is to make your friend more horrified of the abortion than she is terrified of her unplanned pregnancy. Pictures do that.

  Admittedly, you need to be discerning in your one-on-one interactions about when to use any material. Be gentle, listen, and when it comes to showing pictures, tell her that you care for her and that you want her to be informed of everything she needs to know about abortion

  Finally, be encouraged that using this information doesn’t just work in theory—it works in practice.  For example, a Los Angeles pregnancy center not only offers to show an abortion video to each client, but they provide a copy of that video for the client to take home.  In 2011, they conducted a survey of all mothers who chose life for their babies at the center after initially contemplating abortion.  80% of their clients who chose life said the video was the number one thing that helped them choose life for their babies. 

  When the women take a copy of the video home with them, it also helps them to convince husbands, boyfriends, parents or other people who might be pressuring them to abort that abortion is a terrible choice.  Showing the abortion video to parents pressuring their teen to abort helps them to understand the profound damage to their daughter (and grandchild) whom they love and want to protect.  It is good to show the video to everyone influencing her decision.  Further, some clients have reported giving their copy of the video to pregnant friends who in turn opted against abortion. 

That is consistent with this post below an abortion video on Youtube:

  “A big thank you goes out to whoever posted this video.  I scheduled an appointment with Planned Parenthood to have this procedure and wanted to learn more because they wouldn't give me any information. I'm calling to cancel right now. I don't want my baby ripped to shreds.”

How abortion can hurt her

Because abortion kills children it hurts women.  It goes against human nature to kill one’s offspring—that is why abortion can adversely affect women emotionally.  It goes against the nature of a woman’s body to unnaturally and prematurely interrupt pregnancy the way abortion does—that is why abortion can adversely affect women physically.  Consider asking your friend,

  “Have you heard about the complication risks of abortion?  May I share what I know with you?”


4.     Be Unwavering

  Remember the earlier comment that being alone in moments of crisis is terrifying?  That is true not only for the unplanned pregnancy, but also for the abortion procedure.  The act of abortion could be, in her mind, a terrifying moment she wishes not to endure alone.  Knowing she’ll be without a friend could be enough to convince her not to do it.  But if you are present, that could make her abortion experience easier to endure. This is why it is essential that if, after your best effort to convince her of abortion’s wrongness, she goes ahead with the procedure, that you not go with her, not drop her off, not pick her up, not facilitate her decision in any way.

  Keep this principle in mind: friends don’t drive friends to abortion clinics.  After all, if your friend was going to beat up her baby brother and you failed in convincing her not to, would you participate in that action, even if only to “be there to support her”?

  If your friend does abort and then realizes at some future point that she made a mistake, and if you had in some way facilitated that abortion, she’ll wonder why you did that when you knew it was wrong. She may even hold you partially responsible, and rightly so. But if you demonstrate integrity through your unwavering views and consistent action, this could be the factor that convinces your friend not to have the abortion—after all, actions speak louder than words.

  Consider how you could explain your refusal to go with her:

  “Because I love you, I can’t go with you.  Because to love you is to desire your good, and I know too much—I can’t erase what I know about abortion and I know it won’t be good for you or your baby.  If I go with you, if I help you get there, then I’d be betraying you.  I’d no longer be guided by what’s best for you, but what’s best for me (namely, just making sure you aren’t mad at me). I love you enough that I’ll endure you being mad at me—even feeling hate towards me—rather than help you do something I fear you’ll regret in the future.”

  Hopefully, though, it won’t come to making that statement.  Because when you seek to understand and communicate truth in love, you can go far in convincing your friend to make a life-affirming choice.


A similar version of this document first appeared at

Interview with a Beautiful Soul: A Single Mother's Story, by Stephanie Gray


One of my favorite parts of my work is the incredible people I get to meet.  A few years ago I was privileged to meet a young student, Veronika, who radiated a profound joy and peace as a single mother in university.  Her life has been no bed of roses, but she is living proof that when we are other focused, when we live love, we find lasting happiness.  I asked her if I could interview her and she agreed.  As I read her answers below, I got goose bumps at the depth of this young woman's insight.  Consider what she wrote me about the photo of her baby Amelia included in this post:

“The picture I have enclosed of Amelia and I does not fully show my face but it's an important picture to me. Amelia became very ill with respiratory problems around seven months which meant a lot of nights of dealing with fevers, congestion, pain control and a sad little baby who kept waking up due to having trouble breathing in her sleep. I took this picture one night when I decided to let her sleep on my chest instead of in the crib and she slept throughout the night. I did that every night until she was better. To me, it represents what we do as mothers, that we stop looking at ourselves as individuals with needs and we begin to look at how we can serve another and therefore love another, and with that comes learning to love ourselves.

May your life be changed today by Veronika's witness:

Q: How old were you when you found out you were pregnant and what went through your mind?

A: I was twenty-two when I found out I was pregnant. I believed a mistake had been made: “Home pregnancy tests can be so inaccurate,” I thought.  Five tests and a doctor’s appointment later, I could no longer deny that I was pregnant. My first thought was, “How on earth can I be someone's mother?”  I ate a whole perogy pizza to myself as I rehearsed what I would tell my boyfriend and parents!

Q: How did your boyfriend react?

A: Though my boyfriend at the time was on board when he first heard the news, it didn't last very long; we parted ways in a very brutal manner at the eight week mark.

Q: Did you ever consider abortion? Why or why not?

A: I did, because it was pressed upon me; there was a lot of pressure. On top of that, I think it’s human to look for the nearest exit when the heat is on and our hearts are broken. I had loved her father very much, but he was gone whether I had the baby or not so I figured, “Why should I lose one more thing in my life?” I also thought about what my life would be like after an abortion—it looked empty, very empty.

Q: What would you say are the joys of being a parent, even a single parent?

A: I think I enjoy being a single parent more than if I had a partner! I like to run the show solo.  There are so many joys to being a parent it’s almost hard to describe what they are separately because it all just bleeds together into this joyful life. As of right now, the most joyful moments are watching Amelia grow and develop; she said “purple” for the first time tonight and I think my heart bounced off the walls and right back to me, I get to feel that way all the time.

Q: What do you hope for your and your daughter's futures?

A: For myself, I hope to finish school so I can have all that is good in life. Education truly is freedom. I'm looking to have a house by the time I'm thirty and a Cadillac shortly before that; I have an affinity for Cadillacs. As for my daughter, I hope I may give her the hope, passion and resources not only to follow my example but to go further than I ever could imagine.

Q: If you met someone who was faced with an unplanned pregnancy, scared, and considering abortion, what would you tell them?

A: I would tell them how I went from being very directionless to a full time student with a direction because of my daughter. I feel like if I had never gotten pregnant I would still be waiting tables in a sleazy bar. A child can help you reach your potentials in life if you allow it to; the most beautiful flowers were once seeds buried in dirt, you know?  I would tell them, if they believe they are not up to the task of being a parent, that the nine months we carry these little miracles is only but for a moment in comparison to the rest of our lives, and that while we are so lucky to be able to get pregnant there are women out there every day who are devastated by still born births, multiple miscarriages and the years they wait for a child to be ready for adoption. Lots of women view us as the lucky ones and that this baby may end up being someone else's only chance for a baby.

Q: Who inspires you and why?

A: All the mothers I attend school with! They are incredible ladies who not only chose to rise to the occasion of single parenthood but are now exceeding society's expectations by obtaining an education. Not a lot of people want to take the time of five or six years to obtain a degree but we know that those years pass whether we do it or not, so we might as well do it.

This interview was originally posted, in longer form, at A couple years after the interview, Veronika sent this update: “I was told that you've been speaking very highly and me and my daughter Amelia. I just wanted to write you to thank you for sharing my story wherever you go and that me and Amelia are doing just fine.” She even replicated the original photo, albeit with an older Amelia:

Photo on 2015-05-18 at 4.25 PM #2.jpg

The Ethics of In Vitro Fertilization, Part 6, by Stephanie Gray


The beginning of this series can be viewed here.

If you’ve made it this far, there is a glaring topic yet to be addressed: What about those who have already chosen IVF and what about those conceived by IVF?

As for the latter group, people conceived by IVF are image bearers just as those conceived naturally are too. Although the circumstances of an IVF-conceived person’s beginnings go against how God designed new life to be brought forth (as do the circumstances of a hook-up-conceived person’s beginnings do the same), that an unrepeatable, irreplaceable willed-by-God individual now exists is proof of God making “all things new” (Revelation 21:5).  God redeems all things and can take even our sins and draw good out of them.  Children conceived by IVF are the great good that come from it.  That doesn’t mean the original action was good; rather, it means that God is all powerful and can show His glory in any situation, writing straight with our crooked lines.

For those who have chosen IVF, the past cannot be undone.  And so, one’s IVF-related sins (e.g., creating children outside of sexual intimacy, endangering the lives of one’s children, eugenic selection of one’s children, freezing of one’s children, experimentation on one’s children, killing one’s children) need to be repented of/confessed.  These sins, like all sins, need to be laid at the foot of the cross.  One must call on Jesus for mercy.  Find out exactly how many embryos were created and pray over what names you should give them.  Besides memorializing the children through names, think about ways to remember them, acknowledging that they did exist.  If others are aware of your past choice to do IVF, reach out to them and tell them of your new conviction that that was wrong, so as not to lead anyone down the wrong path by example.  Let repentance, Christ’s mercy, and healing be your new story.  Pray over Psalm 51 which begins, “Have mercy on me, O God, according to thy steadfast love; according to thy abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.  Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.”

Take also these words to prayer: “For I will take you from the nations, and gather you from all the countries, and bring you into your own land.  I will sprinkle clean water upon you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you.  A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will take out of your flesh the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to observe my ordinances.  You shall dwell in the land which I gave to your fathers; and you shall be my people, and I will be your God” (Ezekiel 36:24-28).

The next question people have is this: Going forward, what should be done?  Most obviously there should be an immediate stop to all IVF and reproductive technologies that manufacture human persons, carelessly treating the resulting individuals as though they are objects to be used and disposed of.  No more human embryos should be created outside of marital sexual intimacy.

As for what to do with those already here, with the embryos who have been created and who are suspended in a frozen state, ethicists and theologians are examining and debating the most ethical solution.  That alone is a topic for a whole other series, which goes beyond the scope of this one which was to make the case that IVF shouldn’t happen to begin with.

Image Source: Wikimedia Commons, Rembrandt

The Ethics of In Vitro Fertilization, Part 5, by Stephanie Gray


The beginning of this series can be viewed here.

With IVF being an unethical response to infertility, how can a couple, struggling to conceive, achieve parenthood?

First, they could investigate whether there are conditions of either the man or woman that can be corrected at their root.  After all, if there is an ailment or pathology, it is good to treat it so as to restore the body to the healthy state God designed it to have.  In the Scriptures we see Jesus healing peoples' ailments: the man blind from birth who Jesus gave sight to (John 9:1-11), the Centurian's servant lying paralyzed who Jesus healed (Matthew 8:5-13), and Peter's mother-in-law who Jesus removed a fever from (Matthew 8:14-15), to name a few.  In Matthew 9:35 we are told that “Jesus went about all the cities and villages...healing every disease and every infirmity.”

So if, for example, a woman who should be ovulating is not releasing eggs, then she could take a pharmaceutical that would prompt her body to ovulate.  Doing so would restore her body to the normal, healthy function it is supposed to have.  Doing so would aid the sexual act in achieving a pregnancy but not replace the sexual act like IVF does.  Note: It is important that where medicine is administered to help a woman ovulate, that it only be given in a dose that would cause her body to release one or two eggs.  To hyper stimulate her ovaries so that an unnatural amount of eggs be released could result in all the eggs being fertilized from an act of sex.  If she conceives, for example, four children then that becomes a high risk pregnancy with great cause for concern for both her and those children.

It is worth pointing out that because IVF has become so commonplace, because it is a money-making business, and because some people think it’s easier to ignore an underlying problem rather than address it, remedies that address health problems at their root are often overlooked.  There are stories, however, where couples who failed at IVF, or avoided IVF, had later success with achieving a pregnancy through an act of sexual intercourse.  This can occur unexpectedly or when they pursued medical interventions that corrected the ultimate cause of a couple’s infertility.  Consider stories here, and here, and here, and here.

Consider these organizations that get to the root of a couple’s infertility issues and can help patients successfully conceive naturally: National Gianna Center for Women’s Health & Fertility, FEMM, Bella Natural Women’s Care and Family Wellness, Neo Fertility.

The next thing a couple who wants to become parents can do is look into adoption or fostering.   There are children around the world who are in need of temporary or forever homes, and the Scriptures clearly command us to “care for orphans” (James 1:27).

The third thing a couple can do is focus on spiritual parenthood.   Love, by nature, is fruitful, and a couple can look for ways that their love can bear fruit in the lives of people around them.  They can draw out their spiritual maternity and paternity by being actively involved in the lives of their nieces and nephews, volunteering in the formation of children at their church, signing up to be a big brother or big sister to a child from a broken home, etc. 

This latter approach, while bringing fulfillment, doesn’t take away the pain of infertility; it doesn’t take away the good desire to bear a child with one’s spouse.  We can’t always understand why certain desires go unmet.  It is a real suffering.

Click here for part 6 of the series.

The Ethics of In Vitro Fertilization, Part 4, by Stephanie Gray


The beginning of this series can be viewed here.

Perhaps most foundationally, IVF ought to be rejected because it violates natural law when it comes to creating life and the nature of sex.

Someone might read what has been written so far and acknowledge the following:

  *Embryos should never be frozen because it endangers their lives

*Embryos should not be valued based on a eugenics mentality

*Embryos should never be killed

*Embryos should be treated with the reverence and respect we would treat a born child

  Then, such an individual might suggest that while IVF is generally problematic, that under very narrow parameters it could be acceptable:

*If only one or two embryos are created

*If the embryos are not tested for genetic “fitness” but embraced regardless of their health

*If the embryos are immediately implanted in the womb of their mothers

While such a perspective is certainly an improvement from how our culture practices IVF, this perspective is still flawed and ought to be rejected.  By way of analogy, 1+1=2 and while 5 is closer to the correct answer than 10 is, the number 5 is still a wrong answer.

To understand why even the narrow parameters are wrong, we need to take a step back and consider foundational principles, starting with the nature of sex.

A sex drive is inherent to being an adult human.  It is a sign our bodies have reached maturity and a sign our bodies are working correctly (which is why people may go to their doctors when they experience low libido).  Identifying the nature of something is necessary but not sufficient.  Just because we have a sex drive it doesn’t mean we should act on it anytime, anywhere.  So we then need to look at the nature of our sexuality through the lens of a moral code, in this case I’ll be looking at it through a Christian worldview.

By way of analogy, when considering the nature of the eye it is reasonable to conclude it is designed to see (and if someone is blind we can conclude, by examining the nature of the eye in contrast to the nature of, for example, the nose, that the eye is not functioning properly by not seeing, but that the nose is functioning properly by not seeing).  But should we always use our sight to see every single thing?  No, and an example would be to use our sight to peak through someone's curtains to see their private activity: Our eye is doing the “right” thing (according to its nature) by seeing but our will is doing the wrong thing by applying sight in that setting (moral code).

Likewise, when it comes to our bodies and sex we need to look at nature and a moral code.  From a Christian perspective, the only relationship in which sex is permitted is the permanent relationship of marriage.  Looking at the nature of sex can help us understand why this is the case: When a couple has sex their bodies release bonding hormones that “attach” them to their partner in a way they aren’t bonded to others.  Moreover, sex has the inherent power to create offspring.  These two realities make sex inappropriate for non-exclusive, non-lifelong relationships because it is not healthy for individuals to bond so intimately only to have those bonds broken or weakened by changing/multiple sexual partners.  The stronger a bond (and sex creates a strong bond) the stronger the pain when that bond is lessened.  Furthermore, in an ideal world, children should be raised in a loving home by both their mothers and fathers, and that is increasingly unlikely when the parents have not pledged a permanent union.

For the good of children, and the good of a couple, sex should only happen in marriage.  This means that if sex should only happen in marriage, and sex is how God designed humans to reproduce, then any children produced should only come about from the union of the husband’s and wife’s seeds.  That being the case, this thinking rules out a couple ever using a third party’s sperm or egg to create offspring because it would result in children that could never come about through that specific marriage/sexual relationship.

Ethicist and Rev. Tad Pacholczyk has remarked,

“Our sex cells, or gametes, are special cells. They uniquely identify us. They are an intimate expression of our own bodily identity, and mark our human fruitfulness. Hence our own gametes exist in a discernible relationship to marriage. Each of us, in fact, has been given a capacity, a radical capacity, for total self-donation to a unique member of the opposite sex in marriage. Our gametes, and their exclusive availability to our spouse through marital acts, are an important sign of this radical capacity for self-donation. They uniquely denote who we are, and manifest the beautiful and life-engendering possibility of giving ourselves away to the one person whom we singularly love as our husband or wife. Hence, donating to sperm or egg banks violates something fundamental at the core of our own humanity. It dissociates us from the deeper meaning of our own bodies and gravely damages the inner order of marriage.”

Does this mean if a married couple uses their own sperm and egg that IVF could be justified?  As we dig deeper, we will see the answer is still no:

A human person may not claim a right to another human person, for to do so would be to classify the other as an object.  So as much as parenthood is good, and the desire for children is good, parents do not have a right to children.  The human person is not to be possessed (or treated as a possession).  Hiring a third party to harvest the life-creating human parts and to force those cells together to make another individual come into existence is reflective of behavior that treats the other as a possession, of “making” another rather than “receiving” the other. 

It’s worth pointing out that a couple may not intend this, but the morality of actions does not hinge on intentions alone.  For example, someone may have a good intention when having an abortion (do not bring a child into an abusive relationship) but if the means to achieve that end is immoral (i.e., the means brings an end to the child’s life) then no matter how good the intentions are, the action itself is still wrong.  The very nature of the action of IVF is that it treats the other as an object or a possession, whether the parties involved intend this or not. 

Next, consider what makes marriage set apart from all other relationships: It is leaving and cleaving; it is two becoming one flesh; it is the inclusion of sexual intimacy that both bonds and (sometimes) bears babies.  Certainly, besides having a sexual relationship, married couples also live under the same roof, share meals and finances, and talk about their hopes and fears, but non-marital relationships can include those elements too.  After all, siblings, cousins, and friends sometimes live under the same roof, share meals and finances, and talk about hopes and fears.  But these other relationships may not include the sexual intimacy reserved for marriage.  Moreover, while a married couple may invite others into their home to share in meals and friendship, it wouldn’t be proper for a married couple to invite others into their home to share in their sexual activity because that is supposed to be a private and intimate expression between the committed couple.  If it weren’t for technology, then sexual intimacy would be the only way to generate offspring; one could say that generating children is inherent to a couple’s sexual activity.  By pursuing IVF a couple is taking the life-creating element of their private, exclusive, one-flesh union and making it come about through a third party. 

Note: A couple may find there are times when they need to seek outside support to help their sexual activity achieve its ends, whether that is getting counselling if they are having trouble with their intimacy/emotional bonding or seeking medical help if their bodies aren’t working properly (e.g., the husband needs pharmaceuticals to achieve an erection or the wife needs pharmaceuticals to ovulate).  There is a vitally important distinction to be made here: In these situations the couple is enlisting a third party outside of the moments of bonding or life creation  to correct something that is wrong so that when the couple is privately and exclusively in those moments, they can achieve the ends of bonding and babies.  This approach works with God’s designs and ensures the body and mind are in optimal condition to express and achieve what God has beautifully created for the husband and wife.  Contrast that with IVF where the couple is enlisting a third party in the very moment of life creation that is designed by God to occur in the sexual act, an act which is reserved only for the spouses.

Further, when God commanded Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28) He entrusted male and female, creatures below God, with an incredible power to facilitate the creation of new human life made in the image of the Divine.  That isn’t to be taken lightly.  As Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker in the movie Spiderman, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  A couple ought to treat their life-creating powers with the greatest reverence and responsibility, and with a sense of the sacred; IVF, even with a married couple, fails at doing so, as the chart below explains:


The Ethics of In Vitro Fertilization, Part 3, by Stephanie Gray

The beginning of this series can be viewed here.

Another reason why IVF ought to be rejected is that it is a failure of parents to protect and nurture some of their children and instead involves placing them in jeopardy.


When my friend’s 12-year-old son was so sick he required hospitalization, my friend was almost continually at his bedside.  When she wasn’t, she left confident that he was being cared for in good hands.  Childrens’ hospitals typically have charities that facilitate as much parent-sick-child closeness as possible by providing accommodation so parents do not have to travel far to be near their hospitalized child (something my friend and her husband took advantage of).  Moreover, while a nurse or doctor can provide medical expertise and consolation, nothing beats a mother or father’s love and presence.

Contrast that with frozen embryos: These youngest and most vulnerable humans among us are abandoned—temporarily or permanently—by their parents.  They are not visited or sung to.  They do not receive the gift of their parents’ presence, journeying by their side as they go through a difficult time.  Instead, they are intentionally denied the environment created for them at the age they are at; they are denied—temporarily or permanently—the safety and security of being nestled beneath their mothers’ hearts.

Some might respond that if it was okay for my friend to temporarily leave her son in the safety of the hospital, couldn’t parents temporarily leave their embryos in the safety of fertility clinics?  The answer is no, for these reasons:

1)      Children in a hospital are not typically there because of a health problem the parents intentionally created (in fact, if they are (e.g., parent beats a child unconscious), then social services would step in and override parental rights because they have shown themselves unfit).  With a fertility clinic, the frozen child is in a situation of jeopardy as a direct result of the parent’s choice.  The child may be killed in the thawing process (see part 1).  Or the child might eventually be implanted in the wrong womanOr a child’s life could be put in danger by power outages or storage tank malfunctions.  It is worth emphasizing that these are consequences that come from a situation the parents created to begin with.

2)      Would parents leave their children alone in a hospital that considered both caring for that child, or killing that child, to be equal options?  Would parents leave their children alone in a hospital that intentionally weeded out children it deemed unhealthy or less desirable?  Clearly not.  And yet, the very nature of fertility clinics is that they will kill some children, do research on other children, etc.  Fertility clinics can also be involved with pre-implantation genetic diagnosis, described as follows by the Reproductive Partners Medical Group: “This technology allows doctors to select embryos free of a specific genetic problem in order to create healthy babies.”   When doctors “select embryos free of a specific genetic problem” that means they are also killing embryos that have a specific genetic problem.  The IVF industry is not primarily guided by children’s interests but instead by parents’ desires.  It is an industry that manufactures and uses young humans to meet the wishes of older humans.  And that mentality infects all that they do.

Consider the story of journalist Elissa Strauss and her husband: They, their dog, and two of their children live in California while two of their other children live in New York—as frozen embryos.  The Strauss’ already got what they wanted—an IVF-conceived child brought to term.  Given that they created multiple children to achieve that one child, the question became this: What to do with their remaining embryos?  When writing about their options Strauss commented, “embryos are useful.”  And right there is the problem.  The parent is looking at the child for usefulness.  That is not the language of love.  Parenthood ought to be about the good of the child but IVF turns things upside down so it’s about the perceived good of the parent—at the expense of using a child (or several children).  Moreover, because IVF allows for control and perfection in a way natural conception doesn’t, IVF can feed a parent’s tendency toward control and perfection so that these become obsessions.  These become gods; they are put on the highest pedestal, above the child herself so that IVF is not about that baby, or that baby, or that baby, but instead is about a baby, a perfect baby, at the perfect time, at any cost.  No longer is human relationship, particularly that of parent to child, about awe and reverence towards this or that very specific unrepeatable, irreplaceable, priceless and yet imperfect individual, but instead it is about making and grasping at any individual who works with the mold one has created of what one wants.

It perhaps shouldn’t be surprising, although is profoundly sad, that Strauss and her husband opt to take their “useful” embryos and “donate” them to research—thereby killing them.  While Strauss even acknowledges that at some future point they may want more children she opts against hanging on to the embryos they already have: “We concluded that should our tides shift and we decide we want to have another kid, we will try to have another kid. Even if that means going through IVF.”  Even if it means going through IVF.  Again.  If embryos are useful, no need to let old ones linger.  Just start fresh.  And use new ones.

What begins as an understandably profound and deep-seated ache for children that, if fulfilled, allows a couple to reach their fullness as mother and father, with IVF becomes twisted and distorted.  When the natural desire turns into an obsession it very quickly causes one to lose sight of true love, of reverence for persons, and of the self-sacrificing nature of parenthood.

As pointed out by, if the greatest love is to lay down your life for another, then the opposite of the greatest love is to lay down another’s life for your own.

Click here for part 4 of the series.

Image Source: Wikimedia Commons, Dr. Jayesh Amin