Living with ALS, by Stephanie Gray Connors

Hugh Whelchel

Earlier this year I was on Dr. Sean McDowell’s YouTube channel discussing my book on assisted suicide. One of the listeners, Doug, wrote in a question. He said that he’s an atheist and his sister died while on a feeding tube, suffering with MS, and had been living in extreme pain every day. He said things were so brutal that even family wished for her to die. He also disclosed that she was a Christian. I was asked to comment on a Christian suffering in the way this woman did, and what insight in particular I had to offer an atheist like her brother.

You can listen to my full answer here, which begins at 42:17, but I wanted to draw attention to this part I said in particular:

  “It sounds like,” I answered, “she held to her Christian faith, so I would encourage the listener, who is an atheist, to explore in the silence of his heart, to really think about if she could go through that brutal suffering and still believe God existed and that God was good, what was it that she knew or she felt or she believed that I could at least give some time and attention to? That's what has really touched me as I've studied people who’ve suffered... they not only didn’t get angry at God, they would thank God and love God.”

  And that brings to mind two Christians whose stories I encountered recently. Both men faced the brutal condition of ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. One man has already passed away while the other is fighting to live. One of the things that makes ALS so terrible is that while the body’s muscles waste away, the brain stays strong, meaning that with one’s advancing inability to move (or talk), he can become a mind trapped in a body.

  While this is undoubtedly scary, perhaps what is more incredible is the perspective some suffering souls have when faced with this condition. Take, for example, John Geiger.

  He wrote the following:

  Mucus (phlegm) is constantly swallowed by the average person. Due to ALS my swallowing is minimal and my ability to cough and clear my throat is practically nil. So, the mucus builds and lodges in my air passage (I have dubbed this — The Mucus Monster). The effort to clear this and breathe is traumatic. It is a real battle.

  During the five hour struggle [I experienced one day] my brain was still functioning well. A comforting thought kept going through my mind: ‘I am only gasping for air! I am only gasping for air! The important issues of life are settled.’

  I reminded myself I wasn’t gasping for truth — ‘Jesus said to him, I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’

  I reminded myself I wasn’t gasping for love — ‘This is love, not that we loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son [Jesus] as an atoning sacrifice.’

  I reminded myself I wasn’t gasping for peace — ‘Peace I [Jesus] leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.’

  I reminded myself I wasn’t gasping for salvation — ‘And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name [Jesus] under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.’

  Or consider what John’s son Soren said when John ultimately succumbed to death from ALS:

  His body was failing him, but his spirit remained as strong as ever, it even became more determined. He was focused on the finish line and the prize that awaited him. He would not waiver from the course. And he was a crowd favorite. He captured our attention, and he inspired us. We saw him and said to ourselves, ‘That’s how you run the race.’ And what else could we do but cheer him on, follow his example, and congratulate him on a race well run. Like Paul, he could say, ‘I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.’…

  ...The marathon my dad ran was a grueling one at the end, but that did not deter him from running hard, running straight, and running to proclaim with his last breath the joyous news that ‘we win.’ Remember 1 Corinthians 15: ‘But thanks be to God! He gives us the VICTORY through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.’

  Let me end by encouraging you with something my father shared with me after he learned that, due to his diminished lung capacity, he only had weeks to live. I asked him if he was scared. He said, ‘No,’ but he wished his family did not have to see him suffer because he knew that what would follow would be hard. But then he reminded me that Jesus even allowed his own family and loved ones to watch him suffer and die. My father’s point was not to compare himself to Jesus, but to remind me that Jesus knows our pain; he knows our hurt; he loves us through it; and he promises that one day sin and death will be no more.

  John Geiger knew something not everyone does. And his ability to embrace the truth of Christianity while suffering profoundly is a legacy of wisdom for us to explore and heed.

  I also think about Hugh Whelchel. As I write this, Hugh is still living with, and fighting, ALS. In March 2020 when he heard the doctor diagnose him with the condition, at the same time he heard God tell him it would be used for His glory.

  That Spring, Hugh wrote this in a blog:

  I began a Sunday school class I taught several weeks ago on ‘God’s Sovereignty and Our Responsibility’ with the following statement:

You will never be able to walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil unless you believe in God’s sovereignty.

  I believe that God is working out his master plan to restore the whole of creation, in all things, working for the good of those who love him (Rom. 8:28). At the epicenter of his plan is the event we will celebrate on Sunday, the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

  And yet, it was days after preaching those words that Hugh would receive the terrible diagnosis of ALS. He went on to say,

  You might think that this revelation has been a great challenge to my faith; if anything, it has reinforced it. That is not to say that I am excited about the turn my life has taken. I hate it. I hate the brokenness of this world now more than ever.

  But as I have turned to 1 Corinthians 15 to study over Holy Week, as has become my tradition, I am deeply moved by the power of the resurrection and the fantastic way in which Paul ends this chapter.

  It seems like Paul would say, ‘Since there is a resurrection, look forward to this glorious future?’ No. He says something quite different:

  Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain (1 Cor. 15:58).

  Even with declining health, Hugh writes, “Every morning we need to get up, lace up our shoes and run the race as hard as we can; that is our responsibility. It is God who lays out the path on which we run. We have no control over that, as I was reminded two weeks ago. The good news is that we can confidently run the race because Jesus, the pioneer, and perfecter of our faith, has already crossed the finish line, defeating the powers of sin and death.”

  Hugh reflects more on his experiences here. Like John, Hugh is living through suffering in this broken and sinful world with an attitude that our good God is not to be blamed but instead to be embraced. Both men are shining examples for us to follow.

Book Recommendations Part II, by Stephanie Gray

Several years ago I provided a list of 10 of my book recommendations here. Given the corona virus lock down, where people have more time to read than usual, I thought I’d add to my list of recommended books with the following:

An Introduction to the Devout Life, by Francis De Sales

Black Like Me, by John Howard Griffin

Ghost Boy: The Miraculous Escape of a Misdiagnosed Boy Trapped Inside His Own Body, by Martin Pistorius

The Gift of Pain: Why We Hurt and What We Can Do About It, by Paul Brand & Philip Yancey

Guardian of the Golden Gate: Protecting the Line Between Hope & Despair, by Kevin Briggs

Life Lessons: Two Experts on Death and Dying Teach Us About the Mysteries of Life and Living, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

The Little Big Things: An Unforgettable Story of Acceptance and Making Every Day a Good Day, by Henry Fraser

On Fire: The 7 Choices to Ignite a Radically Inspired Life, by John O’Leary

Theology of Home: Finding the Eternal in the Everyday, by Carrie Gress et al.

The Way of Trust and Love, by Jacques Philippe

Are you interested in my recommended list of movies? Check it out here.

Header image source: @radu_marcusu from www.unsplash.com

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10 Movie Recommendations, by Stephanie Gray

During this time of the corona virus, where so many people are contained in their homes, I wanted to provide a list of movies I recommend. While these films aren’t directly about the pro-life cause, there are underlying themes and messages within them that relate to it, themes like courage, faith, hope, resilience, self-sacrifice, truth, goodness, beauty, the need for communion of persons, and what leads to human flourishing—or its opposite.

Each film below is hyperlinked to the trailer. Hopefully you can find the full film on Netflix or by renting on itunes.

1. Beyond the Gates: About an idealistic young teacher and a tired old priest running a school in Kigali during the Rwandan genocide.

2. Score: A documentary about the development of musical soundtracks to accompany films.

3. Alive Inside: A documentary about the power of music to reach people with dementia.

4. Happy: A documentary about what key elements lead to peoples’ happiness.

5. The Giver: A dystopian story about a community that is built around “sameness.” In this futuristic world people no longer know loss, death, hatred, or violence. But the trade-off? They also no longer know love, empathy, compassion, and joy.

6. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: The film adaptation of C.S. Lewis’ first book in the Narnia series where the lion Aslan serves as a Christ figure.

7. The Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society: An author joins a secret book club during World War II.

8. A Man Called Ove: An isolated elderly man wants to give up on life until he realizes the power of relationship.

9. Three Identical Strangers: A documentary that unravels the true story of identical triplets separated at birth and what happens when the human person is treated as an object rather than a subject.

10. End of the Spear: A dramatization of the true story of Christian missionaries who were killed by a tribe in Ecuador that they tried to evangelize, and how the wife and sister of two of the slain men reached out to those who had killed.

Header image source: @alexlitvin via www.unsplash.com

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Courage: When Boldness Faces Fear, by Stephanie Gray

In the first film from Lord of the Rings, Frodo says to the wizard Gandalf, “I wish none of this had ever happened.  I wish the ring had never come to me.”  And Gandalf replies, “So do all who live to see such times.  But that is not for them to decide.  All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”

  Speaking to a medical audience of physicians, nurses, and medical students in early November, I used those words to capture the sentiment pro-life medical professionals often feel in this world that is increasingly hostile to a pro-life worldview.  At a time when abortion is widespread, assisted suicide is increasing, and conscience rights are lessening, understandably the pro-life medical professional thinks,

  “I wish none of this had ever happened.”

  And of course, that’s a good wish.  But the reality is—it has happened.  All we have to decide is how we are going to respond.  And now, more than ever, we need pro-life medical professionals to respond with courage, not cowardice.

  The challenge?  Fear.

  Fear can be paralyzing but it doesn’t have to be.  Fear is the tie that actually binds both courage and cowardice.  What separates them, however, is how each responds to fear.  Courage controls fear.  Cowardice is controlled by fear.

  In his Letter from Birmingham Jail, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., remarked, “There was a time when the church was very powerful--in the time when the early Christians rejoiced at being deemed worthy to suffer for what they believed. In those days the church was not merely a thermometer that recorded the ideas and principles of popular opinion; it was a thermostat that transformed the mores of society…”

  Ah.  A thermometer versus a thermostat.  One tells us the temperature.  The other changes it.  The courage we so badly need at a time like this involves being thermostats.  It involves recognizing the temperature needs to change, and being the ones to change it, channeling any fear we feel into energy that drives change forward. 

  What helps us be bold?  What enables us to courageously change the temperature to the level it should be?  In my presentation I focused on 5 things:

  1)     Know your why

2)     Unleash the power of your mind

3)     Study people who said no

4)     Practise what you preach

5)     Be magnetic

  Know Your Why

  Author Simon Sinek has given one of the most popular TED Talks and he speaks about the importance of knowing the reasons behind the positions we hold.  Pro-life medical professionals need to make sure they know not simply what they believe but also why, and be trained to articulate that winsomely, as that will give confidence, and confidence is an ingredient for controlling fear and driving change.  Clicking here and here and here and here are good places to start to know your why.

  Unleash the Power of Your Mind

Have you ever gone car shopping, perhaps for a white Toyota corolla, test driven one, and then the following week noticed white Toyota corollas everywhere you go?  It’s not that Toyota is following you and planting their cars so you buy one.  Instead, what we think about—what we put in our minds—becomes part of our reality.  There aren’t more Toyotas on the road the week after you test drove; instead, the car is in your mind and you are more prone to notice what you had previously ignored.

If the thoughts we put in our head are what we end up noticing, what thoughts are pro-life medical professionals putting in their heads?  If it’s overwhelming fear of losing one’s licence, of possible complaints by patients, etc., then, well, that is more likely to come to fruition.  If, instead, pro-life professionals focus on being the best doctor, etc., to their patients, of having the best bedside manner, of building an excellent rapport with patients, etc., then not only will they experience the good fruits that flow from that, but if there are complaints there will be an army of patients rising up to defend the beloved physician.  Having said that, I’m not saying we should be naïve and unprepared for challenges or critiques that could come.  I’m saying that we should be wise about the present reality, equipped for possible negative outcomes, while not being obsessed or overly focused on them.  It’s the old adage, “Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.”

Study People Who Said “No”

If you were to ask a crowd of people what comes to mind when you say “Tiananmen Square” they will likely recall this photo. The quiet but steady defiance of one man against an army of tanks is an example for us all.  Sometimes to unjust power structures we need to simply stand up and say “No.”  Come what may.  Rosa Parks, the black woman who refused to give up her bus seat in 1955, is another example of the power of saying no.  So is Dr. Halima Bashir. 

She’s a physician from Darfur who wrote the book “Tears of the Desert.” In it she shares her story of witnessing, in an emergency room, the results of genocide.  When asked by media about what she was observing, she spoke.  Several days later, a group of men showed up at the hospital to try to intimidate her into not speaking out again.  Fast forward to when she moved to work in a small village.  One day, people ran to her clinic carrying blood-covered children.  Soldiers had invaded a school and gang-raped children as young as 8.  Dr. Bashir did what she could to respond to what was a scene from hell.  A short while later, as word spread about what happened, UN officials showed up to ask her if the reports of the gang rapes were true.  Dr. Bashir could have been influenced by the intimidation and threats previously directed at her when she spoke up at her other job.  She could have been silent.  But she knew that silence in the face of the injustice was the wrong response.  So she spoke.  But it came with a horrifying personal cost: Dr. Bashir was kidnapped, beaten, tied in a dark room with rats, and gang-raped for days—all because she spoke up; all because she said no to corruption and to cover-up.

Practise What You Preach

What is at the heart of the pro-life message?  What are we asking of women in crisis pregnancies?  What are we asking of patients with illness or disability who don’t know when their life will naturally end?  We are asking them to let go of control.  We are asking them to ride the waves and float into the unknown.  We are asking them to consider the long-term effects of their choices, not just the short-term.  We are asking them to not create a false dilemma where it’s a) or b)—that sometimes c) “none of the above” can be their story.  We are asking them to do the right thing even when it’s hard.  We are asking them to remember that it is better to suffer evil than to do evil. 

And so, for the pro-life medical professional who is scared about speaking out, about the risk to their job, etc., they need to heed those same messages about control, long-term focus, resisting false dilemmas, and doing the right thing.

Be Magnetic

Magnetism is an extraordinary ability, or power, to attract.  Our pro-life professionals may have unpopular positions but if they are known for being experts in their field, and for having compassionate doctor-patient interactions, this will attract people.  Sure, there will be an element of mystery (“I don’t get it; she’s such a great doctor but her view on abortion is so strange”); however, it’s that mystery that will draw people in more.  And we want to draw people in, for it is probing that leads to discovery.

I am reminded of a TV show my mom and I used to watch together, Columbo.   In this mystery series, a homicide detective’s work always leads to a discovery of who committed a crime, but it’s his personality and approach that is magnetic.  He appears simple, and a little odd, but he’s actually quite shrewd.  He asks lots of questions, draws people in, and in doing so, exposes the true criminal.

The person who asks the questions controls the conversation.  When pro-life medical professionals come under fire, they should respond by asking questions of their interrogators, Columbo-style, compelling them to stay in conversation, to think through their claims, and to attempt to defend inconsistencies or problematic positions they hold—which will expose the false worldview for the shaky ground on which it’s built.

Another way to be magnetic is to be real, to not be afraid to show the fullness of your emotions.  Jordan Peterson is an example of this.  Although there are plenty of people who do not like him, he nonetheless has an aura of intrigue, even to his opponents.  He’s an intellectual and academic but he’s known for frequently getting emotional.  In fact, if you search “Jordan Peterson crying” you will get results like this, a 15-minute compilation of his various bouts of weeping. 

When I neared the end of that clip I thought to myself, “What kind of person makes a video like that?”  It seemed like such a strange thing to do.  But the final screen put it all in perspective: “Jordan Peterson gets a lot of unfair and undeserved criticism.  That’s why I created this video, to show that a man that breaks down when talking about the suffering of individuals and the way to overcome it, can’t have any other desire but the deep desire to reduce suffering in the world and to oppose anything that causes its increase….This video is the best way to show to those who oppose Jordan that what they think of him is wrong.  This video has the potential to decrease the amount of criticism he gets, and show that he deeply cares about people.”

It is this blend between the head and the heart, the intellect and the emotion, this fullness of what it means to be human that attracts people to pay attention to him, even when they don’t always agree.  It’s magnetic.

*Image source from Unsplash by Dan LeFebvre.

The Greatest Love, by Stephanie Gray

What would you do if, while waiting for a subway train to arrive, you noticed a seizuring man fall onto the tracks?  To Wesley Autrey the answer was clear: Jump onto the tracks and help him. 

And on January 2, 2007, that’s what he did.  Except Autrey wasn’t just helping a man in need.  He was putting himself in danger.  Because as the fallen man convulsed on the tracks, the lights of an oncoming train flashed before them.

  Autrey couldn’t get the man off the tracks in time.  But rather than abandon him, Autrey laid on top of him, protecting the young man’s flailing body with his lanky frame.  And then train cars came.  Not just one, not just two, but five—five—train cars would roll over the men before coming to a stop.

Miraculously the men survived.  Miraculously they were unharmed.  Miraculously the center space between the tracks that they were squished into, with the thickness of both men’s frames, and the bottom of the train hovering over, was just enough clearing (21-24 inches) for them to be untouched.  Unless you count Autrey’s blue cap.  It did get some grease marks on it.

Much has been said to describe Autrey’s heroic actions.  But I think the most fitting phrase is this:

  “This is my body given for you.”

  In his video “Opposites,” Michael Spielman at the group abort73 begins by pointing out that the opposite of love is hate.  He then uses that as a springboard to ask what the opposite of the greatest love is.  He makes the point that if the greatest love is a willingness to lay down your life for another, then the opposite of that is to lay down another’s life for yourself.

Wesley Autrey didn’t just demonstrate love.  He demonstrated the greatest love.

  Fast forward to Puebla, Mexico, November 10, 2019.  I was participating in a history-making event.  I was one of 8 women debating abortion in front of thousands at La Ciudad de las Ideas (CDI, a festival similar to TED Talks).  The talk would be live-streamed to tens of thousands as well as televised throughout Mexico. 

  In the days prior, I had prayerfully reflected about what I should impart during my segments of the debate. I nestled into a small chapel in Vancouver to ask God what He wanted me to say.

  “Speak, Lord, your servant is listening” (1 Samuel 3:10).

  Of all the ideas that came to mind, two in particular would stand out.  The first was I recalled the message from the “Opposites” video I mentioned above, and how it relates to abortion.  In some way I knew I had to use that. The second was to associate every hearer’s physical body with my message so they would be constantly reminded of the truth proclaimed: For all of the differences between us humans, a “tie that binds” is our bellybuttons, and each time people noticed theirs, I wanted them to be reminded that we all once were in the womb.

  With those ideas percolating I prepared my 60-second conclusion.  It was a profoundly tight window to make my point but I had it rehearsed down to the second.  Except two things happened:

1)     The day before the debate, I was inspired by another presenter, Tal Ben Shahar, a professor who teaches the most popular course at Harvard on positive psychology, which is all about happiness.  He talked about a psych experiment that was done where people were given money and told to buy themselves something and then their mood/happiness was measured afterwards.  Similarly, people were given money and told to donate it to someone/some cause and that group showed longer-lasting happiness. He then used that point to reference something from his first language, which is Hebrew.  He said that his favorite name is “Natan” which is a palindrome that means “to give” and his message was that when you give you receive.  When I heard that I just knew I should reference him (and his well-received talk with the audience) in my closing arguments the following day and use his popular perspective to show how it aligns with a pro-life worldview.  Somehow I needed to add more to my already tight conclusion.

2)     When the time for the debate came, and as it was nearing its end, with no warning the moderator shortened our conclusion from 60 seconds to a mere 30. 

  How do you take such a weighty topic and distill your position down to 30 seconds of expression?  The old adage “say one thing and say it well” was more relevant than ever.  But somehow, in half the time, along with an additional point to make, I was about to say three things.  How was that possible?  All I can think is that I had asked my prayer team to pray “For a supernatural multiplication of the minutes and seconds in the short time-frames we have to speak” and that that prayer was answered.

  As I watched my precious seconds disappear on the counter, I proclaimed,

“Every single one of us, on our bodies, has a bellybutton.  Which is a reminder that every single one of us was once a child in the womb.  We were once weak and vulnerable and our powerful mothers could have decided to dominate and destroy us by saying, ‘This is your body given for me.’  But instead, in an act of love, our mothers said, ‘This is my body given for you.’  It’s what Tal said—‘Natan’—to give is to receive.”

  Before that conclusion, my opponents had lived true to form by espousing their movement’s mantra of “My body, my choice.”  Rather than entirely reject their sentiment, I opted to define it.  When it comes to abortion it is about choice—a choice between two worlds.  A choice between a world where

1)     People use and abuse each other by selfishly demanding, “This is your body given for me” or where

2)     People reverence and honor each other by selflessly offering, “This is my body given for you.”

Of course, these worlds are not new.  Throughout human history there is a dark pattern of sin where people hurt each other.  But over 2,000 years ago, a person who was to grow up to become a Jewish rabbi entered our broken world as a pre-born child.  He, too, would bear on His body a bellybutton.  He would be Son, but He would also be God.  And as God, He would continue to do what the Father had always done for His chosen people: He would continue a pursuit of the creation that was “very good” in order to win their hearts to the home of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.   But the gates to that home needed to be opened because sin had closed them.  The punishment of man’s sin was death, but, instead, this rabbi, Jesus, would take their place.  He, an innocent, would take on the consequence for the guilty.  He would offer, “This is my body given for you.”

  And in that offering would be an invitation—a proposal: To choose the greatest love over its opposite.

  So choose.  But, like Wesley Autrey once did, choose well.

Note: Below is the journal entry where I asked God to let me know what He wanted said.

Debate image source from here.

Should Abuse of the Born be Motivation to Abort the Pre-Born? by Stephanie Gray

After a recent presentation I delivered on abortion, an audience member approached me.  She told me she worked in a daycare where many of her charges come from profoundly broken homes.  She told me nightmare stories, horrifying cases of abuse these children had endured—and were enduring (which she then reported, the authorities would step in, and in some cases after removing children for a time, the little ones would be returned to the dangerous environment with the mistaken belief the kids would be safe, only to find abuse happen again).

I was sickened by what she shared, that such precious, innocent, and vulnerable children could be so horrifically mistreated and that they would be failed by a system that was supposed to help them.

Here was the woman’s point to me: Her first-hand experience convicted her that abortion would be better than what these kids go through, and the trauma they will carry with them for life. 

There is no denying that the brutal realities she observed would impact her feelings.  There is no denying that anyone with a functioning conscience would want to spare children suffering.  There is no denying that when someone is aware of their victimization there is an additional element of horror than when someone is unaware (e.g., being killed in your sleep versus tortured to death while awake).  Here is a question: Is it possible to agree with all that and still not see abortion as a solution to what undoubtedly is a grave problem?

Consider the children this woman cares for: Would we ever say it would be acceptable to kill them now because of their abuse?  To kill them now in order to spare them further abuse?  To kill them now in order to prevent a future filled with memories of past abuse?  Obviously the answer is no—it would not be acceptable to use homicide as a solution to abuse.  In fact, isn’t homicide just another form of abuse? Killing the victim would not be justice for the victim.  It would only further the evil mentality of the abuser that an individual’s life should be mistreated.

Moreover, what if a born child had not yet been abused but we somehow could see into the future that the individual would be abused in, say, 5 years.  Would it be acceptable to kill that child in order to avoid that which had not yet happened?

  Again, the obvious answer is no.

  Correspondingly, since the pre-born child is a living, human being, it would be unethical to kill that individual because of abuse she may experience down the road.  Instead we ought to work to ensure children are born into, or placed in, environments in which they and their parents or guardians thrive in a relationship of love. 

  Critics may respond that that sounds great in theory but it is not the reality for some, like the children in the woman’s daycare.  Correct.  So we need to respond.  We just don’t have to respond with abortion.  What can a non-abortion response look like?

·         It can look like my friends who fostered children.

·         It can look like my friends who adopted 3 little girls from China who had severe cleft palates which required multiple surgeries.

·         It can look like my friends who adopted a set of siblings from the foster care system in their own country.

·         It can look like a couple I met in my travels who adopted two children when their first biological child was only one.  They since adopted two more children, both of whom have Down syndrome and serious heart conditions, all the while giving birth to 4 more children.

·         It can look like an unmarried 28-year-old I met on a recent trip to the US: In the last 4 years she has fostered over 21 children and adopted 2 of them.

·         It can look like a retired couple I met who moved from their farm into a home for pregnant women in order to mentor them in motherhood.

·         It can look like a pastor I recently met who is in his mid-50s.  He and his wife have raised their own biological children and are now fostering—which is leading to adoption—3 young children.

·         It can look like foster father Mohamed Bzeek who takes in terminally ill children.

·         It can look like a mega Church in Texas whose pastor told me he is implementing a program where his church members make it their mission to foster and/or adopt local orphans.

·         It can look like Love Life Charlotte, a beautiful pro-life ministry I learned about in January that is also on a mission to embolden its church members to care for orphans through what they term “Orphan Care Hospitality.”  Whether through fostering or adoption, learn more about what they are doing here and watch this short video about the Malone’s who have welcomed two children into their forever home through this amazing program.

·         It can look like the Lott family who adopted 4 of their 6 children.

·         It can look like my friend Ryan Bomberger’s adopted family.  His mom, once an orphan herself, made a promise to God when she was a young girl that she would be a mommy to those without one.  She grew up, got married, and adopted 10 of their 13 children (Ryan, one of the adopted children, was conceived in rape.   Having now grown up, he has since adopted two children.

Is the abuse of children—pre-born or born—an unspeakable evil?  Yes.  Does it demand a response?  Without a shadow of a doubt.  Can children be rescued and aided without abortion?  The lived experiences of the examples above are living proof of that.

**The photo in this blog is of police officer Ryan Holets and some of his family.  While on duty, Holets encountered an 8-month pregnant heroin addict.  That woman is the very type of individual many would say should have an abortion rather than bring her child into a dangerous environment.  Officer Holets and his wife adopted that little baby, who they named Hope.  Read the incredible story here. And, as described in this article, it says “Holets has been quietly helping Champ [the birth mother] and her partner find the right rehabilitation center and gave them a tablet computer so they can receive photos of Hope over email.  To Holets’s knowledge, the pair, who have not responded to a Post interview request made through Holets, are not clean. It was always his goal from the beginning to help them through rehab.”

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The Secondary Emotion of Anger, by Stephanie Gray

Two unrelated experiences reinforce what a friend of mine in social work told me: Anger is a secondary emotion.

      Over the holidays I watched an incredibly powerful and moving foreign film, “A Man Called Ove.”   Without spoiling key parts, the overall story is this: An old man is angry, isolated, and believes his life is not worth living.  As the film progresses the viewer begins to understand why Ove is as he is.  The unfolding backstory reveals what is under the surface.  This allows one to see Ove with new eyes—to see his goodness and his pain and therefore to empathize with him.  It also allows one to see what we all need for human flourishing—connection. 

  At one of my presentations on abortion an audience member spoke with me afterwards.  She shared that she was in favor of abortion, particularly in the case of rape.  I had addressed the point already in my talk.    I also shared with her the story of my friend Lianna who got pregnant from rape at age 12 and who kept her child.  She was unconvinced and unfortunately our conversation was interrupted. 

  I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that my message was impenetrable to her heart because of some deep pain.  I was very concerned that she had been raped and/or had an abortion.  She didn’t disclose either to me, but a lifetime of interacting with people and intuition was telling me something bigger was below the surface.  Because I knew she was part of a larger group I approached one of her team leaders with my concern.  The team leader remarked that that young woman had been behaving in a difficult and defiant way.  “That type of behavior is a secondary emotion,” I responded. “Something is triggering her, and I’m concerned it’s a huge trauma.  I really think she was raped or had an abortion.”  We then identified another team leader who had gone through a trauma of her own and approached her with our concern, asking her to find an opportunity to connect with the young woman.  We prayed and it became a waiting game for the opportune moment.

  Sure enough an encounter between the two women happened and sadly the audience member revealed that she had been sexually assaulted, but she expressed how meaningful it was to have someone listen to her and share in her pain.  It became the start of a journey to healing.  Like Ove, her attitude and behavior were a cover for a deep emotional wound.  Like Ove, connection with another soul is what would free her from isolation and give her spirit new life.

  Whether discussing abortion—or any issue in which people respond with anger or an illogical unreasonableness—our approach should not be to dig in our heals and write the person off as stupid or not worth our time, but rather to go gently and seek to understand the root of the person’s passion.  It is worth remembering that of all the words used to describe love in the famous passage of 1 Corinthians 13, the first two are “patient” and “kind.” 

  When you’re next in conversation with someone and if you find yourself struggling to be patient or kind, it can be helpful to step back and say the “Prayer of St. Francis,” which, in the middle, goes, “O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be understood as to understand.”

  It is truly eye-opening what seeking to understand can lead to.

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Present at a Birth, by Stephanie Gray

     I couldn’t have known when I said yes to a speaking commitment 8 months ago, that it would allow for a Divine Appointment that would make one of my dreams come true—a dream I had been waiting for since 2006.  On April 28, 2018, twelve years after writing my dream list in which number 37 was “be present at a birth,” I was the unexpected support person for my friend’s out-of-town—and emergency—caesarean section.  As a quote attributed to Paul Carvel says, “To witness the birth of a child is our best opportunity to experience the meaning of the word miracle.”

     Last August, I agreed to speak in Michigan this past April 24.  Being so close to Windsor, after the event I drove across the border to visit some of my Ontario friends.  As it should happen, my friend’s cousin, also a friend of mine, planned to join us for my last weekend there.  Angie came with her 4 born daughters and her 37-week baby girl in-utero.  She brought her family’s only vehicle, leaving behind in her small town her husband and 4 sons.  The plan was to go to a banquet dinner Friday night and have a girls shopping day Saturday.  But when Angie started having contractions soon after arriving, it seemed like the weekend was not going to go exactly as planned.

     First there was the hospital visit to be checked out.  Then there was the hospital admission.  Then there was the 4am assessment from the doctor that that baby needed to come out, that morning, and by C-section. 

“This is my body given for you” -Luke 22:19

     Journeying with Angie through the process reminded me of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemani.  Hers was a real suffering: She was in pain; her husband was not there; she wasn’t where she lived; her own doctor was not present; she didn’t want to be cut open; she wanted to try a VBAC.   It wasn’t supposed to happen at this time, in this way.  The prayer of Jesus became her lived experience: “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:39).  So surgery would happen.  After Angie was prepped, I was brought into the operating room to sit next to her, and for those unaware of how a C-section works, the mother’s arms are stretched out like she’s on a cross.  As she lay there, riddled with anxiety about being aware while being cut open, her experience was once again like Christ’s: “This is my body given for you.”  Angie would do what motherhood has continually called her to do—to be other-focused, to lay down her life.  In short, to love.  But with the impending arrival of her baby, soon a resurrection would follow this type of crucifixion.

     I don’t know what was going through the mind of the Ob/Gyn and his resident as they performed surgery, but if I could have selected a “soundtrack” for them as they cut into the person of Angie to retrieve the person of Mackenzie, it would be these words of Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty:

     “The most important person on earth is a mother.  She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral.  She need not.  She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral—a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby's body.  The Angels have not been blessed with such a grace.  They cannot share in God's Creative miracle to bring new Saints to Heaven.  Only a human mother can.  Mothers are closer to God the Creator than any other creatures.  God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation.  What on God's good earth is more glorious than this: To be a mother?”

“It’s like watching fire.”

     After I got to cut the cord, I held 6 pounds and 3 ounces of pure goodness up to Angie so she could see her little one.  While the doctors were still working on Angie’s abdomen, she did what she could from her awkward angle to plant tender kisses on Mackenzie and we both just stared in awe.  Then Angie said, “It’s like watching fire.”  Having just come out of a long winter where I had sat in the presence of more fires than usual, I thought about how fire draws one in.  Fire captivates.  It hushes people to silence.  It comforts.  It leaves you in wonder.  On a cold winter evening, in the presence of a fireplace, you’re drawn into the present moment, into what is in front of you, and everything else fades away.  That’s what this silent, tiny, vulnerable little baby did for us.

Reverent Silence

     As the doctors were finishing sewing Angie up, a nurse asked me to bring baby Mackenzie and follow her to the recovery room.  After she helped me get the surgical gown off, she walked away, leaving sweet one and me alone for about 15 minutes.  Blown away with incredulity of all that had just happened, I was tempted to immediately text my 3 best friends from childhood, all of whom are doctors and have regularly experienced what was a first time for me.  But then I thought, “No, the time for communicating with others is for later.  Now is the time to just be with Mackenzie and revel in the gift of her life, in the gift of her presence.”  And so together we simply were.  Me cradling innocence and beauty.  Someone who was unrepeatable and irreplaceable.  Never was before.  Never would be again.  Perfectly unique. 

     Robert Cardinal Sarah once wrote, “Through silence, we return to our heavenly origin, where there is nothing but calm, peace, repose, silent contemplation, and adoration of the radiant face of God.”

     Was this what it was like for Mary cradling baby Jesus?

     Mackenzie breathed gently.  Her one eye opened while the other was sealed shut by the vernix yet to be cleaned off.  At one point she rooted (“Sorry, baby girl, on that front I can’t help you!  Momma’s coming soon!”). 

     As we waited, I prayed. Tracing the sign of the cross on her forehead, praying over her future… that she would always love the Lord… that she would resist temptation to sin… that she would run to the mercy of Christ when she failed…that her earthly journey would ultimately take her to her Heavenly home.

     And then music came to my heart, and so I sang: “Oh Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder, consider all the works Thy hands have made…Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee, how great Thou art, how great Thou art.”

Love Doesn’t Divide.  It Multiplies.

     My flight to Vancouver was scheduled for that afternoon, and so a few hours later I found myself on a plane home.  Mackenzie’s birth was to finish my two week work trip which began with debating an abortionist at the University of California, Berkeley, in front of 200 of his students.  As I thought about how my trip began—and how it ended—I wished that those students could experience what I just had, that they could know intimately, personally, the pure gift of life, that they could experience the awe and wonder that comes with pregnancy and birth—if we allow ourselves to see it.  That they could understand that new life isn’t to be feared but instead to be revered.  That they could believe that when a woman becomes a mother she isn’t reduced to the status of slave but is instead lifted to new heights of love. 

     My wish for the students is that they could come to know what Angie texted me today: “Being open to life and being gifted all these babies, I believe is a testament to how God’s love multiplies. When you have one kid, you can’t fathom having enough love for another one—but you do.  And so it is with each subsequent child.  It makes it easy to understand how much God loves me!!! (And you) :).”

     Amen.

What Will Make Christians Care About Abortion? by Stephanie Gray

Irena Sendler

     Last week I spoke at Church of the Resurrection, a thriving Anglican church in Wheaton, IL, with a fantastic shepherd, Bishop Stewart Ruch.  During Q and A, I was asked about how people can appeal to their fellow Christians to take abortion more seriously; in particular, I was asked what influences Christians to respond adequately to the plight of pre-born children.  I believe there are three factors in particular:

1.      Conviction,

2.      Education, and

3.      Courage

     Conviction is a strong persuasion or belief.  It is deeper than intellectual assent.  It involves capturing the heart.  And in the context of Christianity, it's not simply knowing about Jesus, or about His commands; it requires a personal relationship with Him, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  This way, just as we care about the things that people we care about, care about, a personal relationship with Jesus will naturally draw forth from us a deep concern for what concerns Him.  As the song “Hosanna” by Hillsong United declares, “Break my heart for what breaks yours.”  Abortion destroys God's creation that is more than good--it is "very good" (Genesis 1:31); it destroys life made in His image (Genesis 1:26); it destroys the result of His command to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28).

     I am reminded of an allegory I once heard about two people who recited Psalm 23.  The first was a professional orator who declared “The Lord is my shepherd…” with drama and exaggeration.  When he finished, the crowd jumped to its feet and clapped with much enthusiasm.  Then a humble pastor got up.  He lowered his gaze and bowed his head; then he slowly and reverently prayed, “The Lord is my shepherd…”  When he was finished the crowd was struck with silence—the only sounds being gentle weeping from a people profoundly moved.  The conclusion?  The orator knew the psalm but the pastor knew the shepherd.

     It’s like the Parable of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10: When the priest and Levite saw a half-dead robbed victim on the road to Jericho they passed by on the other side.  The Samaritan man, however, was moved with compassion and cared for the wounded soul.  It was as though the priest and the Levite knew the law, but the Samaritan knew the law-giver.  We need to foster more than simply knowing about Jesus, but actually being in relationship with Him so that the cry of our hearts becomes the cry of the blind man Bartimaeus to Jesus: “Lord that I may see” (Mark 10:51).

     Just as the Good Samaritan “saw” with his eyes, and his heart, the plight of his neighbor, we should pray “that we may see” the plight of our pre-born neighbors just as Jesus sees it.  We should allow ourselves to come face-to-face with their broken bodies and allow their dismembered limbs to communicate to us what their silent screams could not.  We should pray to “see” their beauty and fragility, and the corresponding destruction of what abortion did to them, so as to respond with the broken heart that God Himself responds with.

     Following conviction, there can arise within us a fear of how people will respond if we act on such conviction, which is why education is so necessary.  The more people are equipped to “give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you” (1 Peter 3:15) the more readily people will share.  We need to help people gain confidence in their beliefs, helping them both understand and articulate the rationale behind the pro-life claims.  The better prepared people are to rebut objections, to explain things clearly and persuasively, the more they will increase in confidence, which means they will naturally decrease in fear.

     But fear won’t necessarily be entirely eliminated.  Which is why we need courage too.  I once heard it said that “courage is not the absence of fear, but a will to do what is right in spite of your fears.”  How do we instill courage?  I firmly believe we are more likely to be courageous when we surround ourselves by people who are.  There is something inspiring about the example of people who are other-oriented, especially when there’s personal cost involved.  The courage of others is magnetic, and draws that same virtue out of those who are exposed to it.

     That’s why I encourage communities of believers to immerse themselves in the inspiring examples of heroes and role models who responded to injustice in their midst and advocated for the vulnerable.  Movies like Schindler’s List, Gandhi, Sophie Scholl, Beyond the Gates, The Courageous Heart of Irena Sendler, and Eyes on the Prize are not about abortion, but they are about good people responding to injustice.  That’s what we need in response to abortion, and watching these examples and then discussing how the past can relate to our present, will instill the courage Christians need to make a better future.

Thankful for Fertility? by Stephanie Gray

     It was shortly after 10pm on a summer night and I was texting with my sister.  As a mother of 5 under 11, her days are long and full.  And in our brief exchange she conveyed that she was so very tired.  Having visited her earlier in the day I saw that her house was a total disaster.  When I walked in she announced, “This is what a house with 5 children looks like.”  It made sense that she’d be exhausted.  At one point in our text exchange I messaged her, “5 things you’re grateful for?  First 5 that come to your mind.”  When she responded I was struck by the final item on her list:

     5. Fertility

     Her answer provoked me to pause because amidst challenge she could see gift, and because we are living in a culture where the default is not my sister’s answer; instead, it is to suppress fertility.  Actually, our culture’s default is more than to suppress fertility, it is to be downright hostile toward it.  I have spoken to so many abortion supporters who hate that fertility is a part of sexuality.  But what could be more incredible than being so intimate with one human soul that in doing so you produce another human soul who had never before existed?  One plus one equaling three in a way that defies math.

     It doesn’t mean fertility is always easy.  I lived with my sister and her family for a season and I saw the toll that pregnancy takes on the body, let alone the challenges of forming and rearing (several!) little human beings.  But I think it’s helpful to step back and think about what the word “toll” means.  It’s a charge for use or access to something (think bridge toll).  We pay the toll because the benefits outweigh the cost.  And we recognize the greater the value of something, the greater the price. 

     The same day I visited my sister, I drove out to see my parents and to help my dad weed his magnificent garden.  In reflecting on my time rummaging through dirt and in-between flowers and bushes, I was reminded again of the gift of fertility—the fertility of the soil, of the flowers that bloom each year—of new life, which brings an array of colors, types, sizes, and smells.  And it’s the beauty and diversity of fertility that makes the garden so awe-inspiring.

     But the oasis of my Dad’s garden did not happen overnight.  It took years of careful cultivation.  It took work.  It took weeding, watering, digging, and pruning.  It still does.  It took, and takes, a toll.  But it’s more than worth it.

     Mother Teresa once declared, “How can there be too many children?  That is like saying there are too many flowers.”

     So should we be thankful for fertility?  It is fertility that resulted in a sweet 1-year-old nephew nuzzling into my shoulder as I lifted his sleepy body out of the van.  It is fertility that resulted in my delightful 4-year-old niece giving me a long hug before saying goodbye.  It is fertility that has given me a 6-year-old nephew whose sensitive spirit teaches me to go gently with people.  It is fertility that has given me an 8-year-old nephew who loves to challenge my competitive spirit with his own over a game of checkers.  It is fertility that has given me an 11-year-old niece who is learning to play the ukulele with me.  It is fertility that has given me a sister I cherish as a best friend.  It is fertility that has given me my parents and their combined 17 siblings.  It is fertility that has given me a brother-in-law, cousins, and friends around the world. 

     When I logged onto Facebook recently I noticed a friend made this post: “I have made a million mistakes in 14 years of parenting... but one thing I know for sure we did right was being open to life and giving our children siblings. That in itself has not been easy, but we are blessed by it every day.”

     Thankful for fertility?  Yes.

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